Just the Facts

Some people subscribe to the notion that only facts sell, while others subscribe to the emotion that it is the story that sells.  I subscribe to the notion that it is a combination of facts and story. 

I want X to be happy

I need X to be happy

The “I want” is the story and it is something that must be brought out in people in order to make a sale.  But the “I need” is a fact.  People only NEED food, shelter and water.  The rest are simply wants.  But there are many layers of facts in between.  The key is to find a way to turn the “I want” into a fact so that it can be sold as an “I need”.  Thus the car commercials that talks about the high level of safety that their product has, and shows videos of the test dummies driving the car into a wall.  The want becomes the need – because people need to be safe in order to survive.  Or look at the commercials that tell a story of happy kids eating breakfast. It displays both want and need.  Kids need food, but the commercial sells the story of happy kids which completes the sale – parents like happy kids and the peace of mind that comes from knowing that their kids are fed AND happy.

So I propose that both facts and stories are needed in any proposition, even for us.  After all we are constantly attempting to sell ourselves – to our friends (here is why you should be my friend), to employers (here is why you should promote me or give me a raise), even to ourselves (this is why I am successful).  Find the fact behind the idea, service or product and then spin the story around it.  Want a raise?  Show the facts – how much revenue you’ve generated for the company, how you’ve improved processes, even how you’ve been an exemplary employee – and then spin the story – how the company can show it’s appreciation by giving you a raise.

Facing Fears

This morning I sent out the reminder email to my support divorce group that our speaker this week is Russ Clark talking about facing our fears.  This afternoon I read a short article on 9 ways to face your fears – is it a coincidental?.  I have found that when I need to hear something, it keeps hitting me in the face until I start paying attention.  So I’m assuming that it’s long past time I really started facing my fears instead of just tiptoeing around them.  We all have fears, mine have to deal with wondering if I’m really “good” enough; good enough for someone to want to be friends with, good enough to finally make something of myself, good enough….. well, you get the idea.  Logically I know that this is just garbage – of course I’m good enough, but emotionally those fears are very real and still haunt me.  Here is the list from the article that I was reading, along with my own observations:

1.            1. Yell at them – tell them to go to a place where there are no lemonade stands.

I don’t know how to yell at my fears.  But perhaps it is more about finally getting angry enough to tell them to get lost.  After all, how dare they interrupt my life and try to dictate to me how to live.  The reality for me though is that I need to actually be willing to face them, to look them in the eye and tell them that I’m done and will be taking steps to eradicate them from my life.  Now I just have to go out and do it.

2.           2.  Laugh at them – a good technique: start with “ha” and end with “hee”.

I’ve been told, and I’ve read that visualizing something makes it easier to believe it and to live life in the best way to make “it” happen.  So it stands to reason that if I laugh at my fears along enough – visualize it at least – eventually I will be able to laugh at my fears.  Hmmm, perhaps some more thought is needed on this one.

3.            3. Talk about them – preferably to a friend, over a cup of strong coffee.

As an ENFJ (my Myers-Briggs type), for me to figure out how to conquer my fears I need to talk about them.  For some reason talking about something always brings to mind ways to make “it” happen; kind of like mega-visualizing I think.  Writing is almost as good as talking so I’m using this as a chance to plan out what steps to take to face and conquer my fears.

4.            4. Scare them away – any mask will do, but any beast or vampire getup is particularly effective.

Again, how do I scare away my fears?  My fears are scary in and of themselves, at least to me they are. But maybe instead I can follow the next item: dressing them up.

5.            5. Dress them up – with the right attire and hairdo, you can make anything seem attractive and desirable (to someone else), right?

By dressing up my fears I can help them to look silly and thus of little importance.  So now I need to figure out how to dress them up.  Perhaps something like putting them in a play – “A Play On How Tonia Doesn’t Think She’s Good Enough (The Silly Girl)”.  I can visualize (hey! Maybe this visualizing stuff does work!) my superhero ego flying in to “slay” the dragon of fear.  Right through the heart goes the sword of truth and down, down, down goes Fear to never more roam the world.

6.            6. Harness them – if they are under your control, you don’t have to worry about them.

When I get angry, really angry, I get a lot of energy.  The key is to harness that energy for positive changes rather than negative ones.  By harnessing my fears I can better create a cognitive map to reach my goals.  A cognitive map has a goal at one end and a bunch of little and manageable steps that I can take to get me there.  I can put a muzzle on my fear one step at a time until it is far behind me and I’ve reached my goal.

7.            7. Interrogate them – ask them the hard questions, including: where, what, why, when, and how.  Then get a mug shot.

I read a lot and the other day I was reading a blog post “Investigate Your Mind!”  It talked about asking questions to get to the real truth behind any lie or self-doubt.  So by interrogating my fears I can ask: Is that thought true?  Can I be absolutely certain that it is true?  What is the evidence in support of that though?  What is the evidence against that thought?  What might be a more realistic and true thought?

8.            8. Bully them – boss them around like the scary dude in fifth grade who made you cry.  You’re bigger than they are – don’t let them forget it. 

After all I am in charge of my own life.  My fear only has as much power as I am willing to give it.  As Denis Waitley wrote in another wonderful newsletter article:

“The perceptions we hold of ourselves, or our self-images, determine the kind and scope of people we are; our self-images are our life, controlling mechanisms that dwell at the subconscious level of thinking. Responsible for autonomic body control, such as breathing and heartbeat, and also for storing conditioned reflexes (repeated skills or images), the subconscious can be compared to a navigational guidance system or automatic pilot. The conscious level of thinking, responsible for collecting information from the environment, storing it in the memory and making rational decisions, can be compared to an attorney or judge…. During every moment of our lives, we program our self-image to work for us or against us. It strives to meet the objectives we set for it, regardless of whether they are positive or negative, true or false or safe or dangerous. Like a videotape recorder playing its cassette, its sole function is to follow instructions implicitly, based upon previous inputs.”

9.            9. Free them – let them go.  Tell them to have fun, but not to come back.

Letting them go can happen, but only when I am ready to let it happen.  I can let the fears go now – after all I am in charge, or I can wait until I’ve taken what I believe to be the necessary steps to “fix” the fears.  Either way, letting them go is much shunning them.  I no longer even bother to acknowledge them – for me they no longer exist.

Links to the articles:

“Investigate Your Mind!”

http://www.lifeafteryourdivorce.com/newsletters/newsletter2011-08.html

“Your Automatic Pilot to Goal Achievement”

http://www.success.com/deniswaitley/newsletter_archive/2011/august/dw_issue188_web.html?utm_source=dwn_2011-08-09&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=newsletters

“9 Ways to Face Your Fears”

http://www.beliefnet.com/Health/Emotional-Health/Depression/9-Ways-to-Face-Your-Fears.aspx?source=NEWSLETTER&nlsource=44&ppc=&utm_campaign=HealthHealing&utm_source=NL&utm_medium=newsletter&utm_term=yahoo.com

The Journey

At life's crossroads I stand alone,
Trying to decide which way to go.
Paths that lead to who knows where,
All marked with signs "Danger is there".
Paths that show signs of turmoil and strife,
But also bright patches of sunny light.
Someone suggests I take the right,
The better to avoid the dangerous heights.
Another tells me to take the left,
Says it leads to the better path.
It's up to me which one to choose,
No one can tell me what I might loose.
Nor even if I might gain,
A life that is free from all the pain.
The choice I make will decide for me,
Which lessons life will send to me.
No path is ever free from pain,
No path is entirely sane.
All I can do is struggle through,
And finish this path with fortitude.
If I falter if I stop,
Life's journey will be over and I will be lost.

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There is always a choice

It is oh so easy to blame circumstances outside of ourselves for the way things turned out.  It is the boss’s fault that you didn’t get promoted.  It is the spouse’s fault that you are unhappy.  It is the cat’s fault that there is hair all over the house.  Well, you get the idea; it is always someone else’s fault.  While it’s true that we often don’t have control over what happens to us (after all cats will shed hair), it is in our control to decide how we act to what happens and to take steps to change things.  Tired of the hair all over the furniture?  You have several options which include getting rid of the cat all the way over to hiring a cleaning service to come in once a week to clean the house.  But regardless of what you choose to do about the cat, most of all it is important to realize that our attitude plays a huge role in what we realize we can do about our situation.

Sometimes bad stuff happens to us and there is nothing we can do about.  A car flies through a red light and hits our car.  We didn’t have any choice in what happened, but we do have a choice in how we respond to the situation.  We can stay a victim or we can take charge of ourselves and respond to the accident in a way to put it behind us as a lesson learned.  Perhaps the lesson learned in this case is to look both ways at every intersection.  

If you are so far into the pits as to not be able to take steps back and look at all of your options then ask a friend to help you.  There are choices in every situation.  Some choices can be hard to make, but the first step towards any solution is to realize that there are choices and that we are not powerless.